Previously Known As Chopperpapa.com

Let’s play a game.  Let’s say there’s a little girl we’ll call Brittany. Now Brittany is in the fourth grade at a school she’s been attending since kindergarten. She’s outgoing and cute, dresses odd at times, can be very funny, is a tad bookwormish, and is most definitively a Taylor Swift fan.  Brittany meets and becomes fast friends with another little girl in her class named Mallory.  They both like the TV show Good Luck Charlie and Tap Pet Shop on the iTouch, not to mention Mallory also loves Taylor Swift. They quickly become inseparable pals eating lunch together daily, playing during recess, and drawing pictures of one another under rainbow and butterfly filled skies.   One afternoon Mallory comes running home from school asking her mom and dad if she can have a sleepover at Brittany’s house this weekend. It seems Brittany recently got Just Dance 3 for her Wii and they plan on having a dance party late into the night.  On the surface is this any differ...

If you’re a single or divorced dad I feel your pain. I’ve been one for seven years and have experienced every emotion you are or will go through. I know what it’s like to have a piece of your soul ripped away every Sunday evening, I’ve had the desire to take out a professional hit on my ex-wife, and I understand feeling like you are getting the raw end of the deal.   Being a single father means we may never have a traditional relationship with our children, we may not always be there to tuck them in or be able to band-aide every scrape but that doesn’t mean we can’t be any less than an extraordinary influence in their lives. Regardless of what media or culture says fathers are important and your kids need you whether you’re with their mother or not.  When I got divorced I didn’t get a manual or have a go-to person for help; my family was hours away, which meant I was on my own. As such, I’ve made almost every conceivable mistake a dad can from introducing the girlfriend e...

“Let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac.” Genesis 24:14  The Queen and I first met at a bar. It’s not something we advertise. Similar stories usually end with hook ups and poorly. Ours, blessedly, led to meeting again the next day at church, and eventually marriage. We downplay the ‘bar’ thing, instead of saying it was a ‘restaurant,' they technically did serve food. Why we do this, I’m not entirely sure. It may have something to do with the images ‘bar’ convey, or maybe it’s too similar to my former marriage, she and I also met at a bar, one that didn’t have food. And if you’ve visited this website before, you know how that ends. So there’s a fear not to jinx it. But perhaps, and I think this get us closer to the point, our story reflects a complete lack of intentionality. I mean honestly, how uninspiring and unoriginal?  Besides, it models nothing positive for our kids except to demonstrate that a good way of going about the most important earthly relation...

With all the bitterness and resentment that surrounds divorce such as alimony, co-parenting, every other weekend, and the train wreck it makes of lives in general, the notion of parental visitation is head and shoulders the most dehumanizing of all.  The mere fact that, as their father, I only get to ‘visit’ with my children is enough to make me strap TNT to my chest and walk into the nearest family court room. It’s the one piece of my divorce that I have yet to come to complete grips with.  When the Jap and I divorced in ’05 our children were 10 and 18 months old. I moved, and still live, seven miles from the home she and the Trainer live in today. Unaware of their impending living situation and ultimate marriage, I agreed to provide enough financial resources for her to stay home full time until my son was two years old. She felt, and I agreed, that at their young age stability was vitally important and the going back and forth with sleeping here one day and there the next w...

I had a golden childhood in several respects. But one in particular was having both sets of grand parents until I was thirty. I know of very few others who can claim speed dial to that kind of wisdom for so long.  My grandfathers were vastly different men in both personality and accomplishments. My paternal grandfather served in WWII on the USS Alvin C Cockrell, worked in a plant making speedboats, and lived a very reserved existence. My other grandfather was his polar opposite, which might explain why they weren’t very close. With a meager elementary education, fifth grade at best, he was arguably the wealthiest man on Yellow Creek Road, sought after far and wide for his hunting expertise, and quick to tell any number of hunting or horse stories. By comparison, think Jerry Clower.  ** Like most grandkids, I never truly appreciated their presence or perspective until they were gone. Nonetheless, I did possess just enough humility to accumulate a few nuggets of wisdom from them...

I wasn’t always such a nice guy. There was a season of my life where I would lie and manipulate to get what I wanted. I was calculating and exact; like a master of deception I knew what to do, what to say, and how to say it. I would promise to call – and wouldn’t. I said I really cared - but I didn’t. I’d act excited the next morning – but I wasn’t. Shamefully women represented for me a means to an end and as soon as the mission was complete, the victory achieved, and the thrill gone – so where they.  I wish I could admit that this behavior happened during a time when games and dishonor could be blamed on youthful self-centeredness – but that too would be a lie. The fact of the matter, this narcissism occurred not so long ago when I knew better and had a very important reason to act so – I was a father to a daughter.  As I think back at my actions in those days I am appalled at the hypocrisy. Here I was, this father to a beautiful little girl, engaging in a lifestyle that I wo...

I’ve held senior leadership positions within corporate America for over a decade. I’ve led and worked through countless others to get projects completed or goals achieved and from all of the experience I’ve learned one essential truth regarding people – I can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. I don’t believe I can give a group of associates a pep talk that will suddenly cause them to run through brick walls, nor do I buy into popular notions of how I can directly ‘motivate’ anyone.  From my many failures I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter how much I beg, bribe, plead, or prod, unless that person decides to act – on his or her own – I can’t change the mind. But when I stop to think about it why would I want to? If I must coerce and cajole another person to do a job how much passion and commitment will there be and how good of a job will they do?  ** Down the street from the Queen lives an eleven-year-old girl. On the surface she looks the part of any classic ...

Parenting isn’t easy. Anyone saying otherwise has never been one  - or at least a good one. When I became divorced in ’05 my children were 10 and 18 months old –young by any standard. I can still remember the trepidation that first weekend alone with them. Would I be able to do this on my own?   That first year was frequently agonizing and consistently chaotic. It’s sad to say but early on I regularly dreaded those Friday afternoons and Sunday night couldn’t get here fast enough. This single parenting thing wasn’t something I signed up for and without a local support network I was doing it on my own. The simple act of going out to eat, the three of us, was such a production with diaper bags, strollers and bottles it became grueling at best.   There were lots of times when I wanted nothing more than to unload them both, head south, and never look back. My entire life had been turned upside down and not only was it taxing it was seriously cramping my re-emerging s...

  It’s kept me awake more nights than one, and for a good reason. Research suggests the average age boys are introduced to pornography is eleven, as in tuck-me-into-bed-daddy eleven. ‘Average’ also points to the shocking reality that many are coming across porn at even younger ages. My fears are further heightened due to my own documented struggles. I’ve been where the porn path leads; it’s not a beautiful place.   There’s no manual on how best to discuss this with our sons. And depending on where you look there is an outright contradiction if such conversations are even necessary. Many absurdly claim that porn is a healthy way for young boys to discover and grow in their sexuality. Furthermore, those same ‘experts’ believe that to criticize or condemn pornography only promotes future sexual repression in adulthood. That to throw a negative spin on porn only results in harmful guilt and shame. Yet given our overall cultural addiction to sex, and the documented effects per...

Most parents rank the 'sex talk' about equal to public speaking on the list of things most dreaded in life. Few moments are more unsettling - for the parent and the child. But adding porn to that discussion brings a new 'ick' to the conversation. So much that the majority of parents simply avoid the whole thing.  I have written openly about my prior experiences with pornography from that very first Playboy Magazine at seven through my nearly decade struggle with addiction in my thirties. I have also written about how that history became the motivation to talk with my own kids about sex, and pornography, beginning when they were still very young, for some parents probably too young.  I was no less terrified the first time I brought it up when they were early in elementary school. But I knew then that sex was not a 'talk', but instead it was a 'conversation' lasting many years. With no need to rush I felt I could gently ease into it. I started by first exp...

What still amazes me most about divorce is how two people, once committing to love, honor, and cherish each other till death do part, almost overnight wishes to see that qualifier become a reality. Well, maybe not technically dead, but at least out of the way, vanished, or forgotten. This can be especially true when the complications of co-parenting are involved. For the better part of the last thirteen years as a divorced father, I have often felt my place is to keep quiet and the checks coming. It was usually the case we were more adversaries than teammates.  One of the deadly characteristics of co-parenting, not talked about nearly enough, is this combativeness on account of the unspoken competition between divorced parents. An ongoing struggle for the affections of their children. It can manifest itself in countless ways from gift giving to vacations, where each parent lives or even the type of house; and all for the purpose of one-upping the other parent, to believe one parent...

“I have been in a serious committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years, and his children do not even know that he is dating.”      With that, I knew there would be problems. Much of this site has been dedicated to answering the challenges of dating single and divorced fathers. I’ve tried to give women a clearer understanding of how single dads think and feel while they balance relationships, kids, divorce, and exes. I’ve attempted to explain why single dads may behave in some of the ways they do. Yet I’ve encouraged patience with him, especially with the man who seems resistant to introduce his kids, and I’ve cautioned not to use that, meeting his children, as some litmus test for commitment.       But I’ve also written that eventually, and always, the day must come. If their relationship has any chance of long-term success, and perhaps marriage, his children – or more likely their children-  will impact that relationship in good ...

          For over a decade, my most widespread fear, the one thought staying with me, like a vampire clinging to the soul, was how my divorce would affect the relationship with my children. How would they regard a father diluted but whose love was still pure; a dad whose time and attention were court ordered? Someone who often resembled the fun uncle instead of a parent. Would I ever eclipse their sun the way my father did mine? Or, would I fade into an afterthought; a few lines in the larger story of their lives?       This anxiety has been the motivation behind many of the steps I’ve tread along this fatherhood journey. A determination birthed in doubt and worry. I have often handcrafted traditions just to serve as mile markers in their childhood memory. The tangible evidence they did have a daddy, and he was there.   **  This is what stuck in my mind reading through a recent email from a soon to be divorced father. He ...