I’ve held senior leadership positions within corporate America for over a decade. I’ve led and worked through countless others to get projects completed or goals achieved and from all of the experience I’ve learned one essential truth regarding people – I can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. I don’t believe I can give a group of associates a pep talk that will suddenly cause them to run through brick walls, nor do I buy into popular notions of how I can directly ‘motivate’ anyone.
From my many failures I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter how much I beg, bribe, plead, or prod, unless that person decides to act – on his or her own – I can’t change the mind. But when I stop to think about it why would I want to? If I must coerce and cajole another person to do a job how much passion and commitment will there be and how good of a job will they do?
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Down the street from the Queen lives an eleven-year-old girl. On the surface she looks the part of any classic American family except for one rarely talked about difference. The girl’s father, her biological one, isn’t part of her life. He isn’t dead or in jai and hasn’t been shipped overseas with the military. The fact is he’s in the same city as her, same area code actually; he’s just made the decision that being in his daughter’s life isn’t a priority. Getting remarried several years ago and having children with his new wife, this second family has taken all of his time and attention. He doesn’t celebrate holidays or birthdays with his daughter opting instead for the generic gift. The occasional visit consists of last minute meetings at the mall.
How their relationship got to this and what caused the parents divorce is uncertain but that is beyond the point. But through her father’s actions this girl will likely struggle with feelings of inadequacy, self-consciousness, and unworthiness for years to come. He has relegated her to second-class and it’s impossible to believe that his abandonment won’t cause her lasting damage.
Yet amidst all of this hurt and anguish there is a happy ending to the story. Several years ago the girl’s mother married a man who has freely accepted the role of daddy the girl’s biological father rejected. When he didn’t have to, he did what needed to be done. It’s proof yet again that fatherhood is anything but fluid donation.
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Late last year I wrote what remains my most vitriolic post. A Manifesto On Deadbeat Dads was a 1000 word essay of venom attacking those fathers who decide without provocation to up and walk away from their children’s lives when a relationship is over. Even after months of reflection I remain steadfast in my contempt for these individuals. The comments and emails received were often painful to read, and while the responses were unique each story seemed to contain a similar thread. Time and again these mom’s desperately endeavored to get the father - during and after the relationship - to be a daddy to his kids only to be left frustrated and embarrassed.
As I read their reactions I couldn’t help but remember that lesson I learned from corporate America.
I’ve been asked many times on what to do about the father who doesn’t want to be a part of his kids’ lives, the one who seems to show no interest in his kids or only when the timing suits. The response I give has always been the same ‘You can’t make him be daddy’. While this may sound cold and sterile I’m convinced of its truthfulness. Too often think what we forget is that fatherhood is effortless but being a daddy takes commitment.
One needs to look no further than the Queen’s neighbor as a model for this principle. Regardless of how much the daughter and mother may want her biological father to be part of her life no amount of guilt, embarrassment, or ridicule will force him to change his mind no matter his responsibility. If he is a daddy only by force, then he doesn’t deserve to be a daddy at all. What type of impact can this man have on his daughter if he is only doing it to shut everyone up? But along those lines the stepfather demonstrates again that biological similarity has no bearing on how good of a dad someone will be. Fatherhood isn’t about blood.
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But while I empathize with these mothers and commend them for their noble intentions I can’t help but think that they are doing themselves and their children a disservice. Endeavoring to threaten, coax, or sweet talk a father into being a daddy - when he doesn’t want to be - is spirit crushing and pointless for everyone. Much like trying to start a car with a dead battery, we end up exasperated and beating our head into the steering wheel and are suddenly stressed and in a bad mood. My recommendation has always been to simply separate her and her kids from the situation and discontinue any attempts to persuade the father to assume his responsibilities. And when it comes to telling the children, sensitive honesty is always the best policy.
Instead, my encouragement for them is to find other men, much like this girl’s stepfather, who are willing to step up and assume the masculine role in the child’s life, whether that be a grand father, uncle, cousin, or some other positive male role model in a local church or the community.
What’s most important is the attention and time, it isn’t necessary for this man to become the child’s father only their hero with a will to mentor and guide showing them life from their eyes. There can be no arguing that children need positive male influences and it doesn’t need to be someone with the same last name, only a man willing to step up and be daddy.