Previously Known As Chopperpapa.com

I’ve never considered myself a coordinated person. I’ve never accomplished anything of dexterity much more skilled than walking and chewing gum at the same time. But that changed when I became a single dad. Overnight coordination and organization became necessities.  And add to that new reality the responsibilities of an employee, boss, and managing the nuances that come along with romantic relationships and I turned into a one-man juggling and tight rope-walking act.  There is an ample supply of single fathers in the world. With a divorce rate, depending upon whom you ask, at or above 50% there is an over abundance of them. And with such large numbers in the dating pool, the odds of a woman meeting and dating one of these single fathers is better than anything in you’ll get in Vegas. In fact I think it’s directly proportionate to her age; a twenty-five year old has about a 25% chance of dating a single dad and that number gets exponentially higher when she reaches her forties...

My Aunt Lucille was the most sophisticated woman in our family. She was my grandmother’s youngest sister and her entire life seemed one big cosmopolitan adventure. The many years she spent in Atlanta coupled while remaining unencumbered by children only added to an already formidable metropolitan mystique. Her husband Uncle Kenny was known best for his Caribbean complexion, not because of his lineage but due to the countless hours spent each summer sunbathing in his back yard swaddled by the sounds of The Carpenters and Bee Gees emanating from his Sunbeam AM/FM radio. A visit to their home always felt like a vacation. Green PVC corrugated panels covered the roof of their suburban back patio from which the emerald hue gave off a tropical flavor that to a ten-year-old must surely have been what Miami or Bermuda was like.   Several years after my uncle’s death, of skin cancer coincidentally, Aunt Cile began spending time with another man. Rumor had it that she would have married ...

I know a thing or two about marriage. My first was finished before I was 35 and we were married almost seven years, even by today’s standard that’s fast out of the gate.  I’ve now been divorced as long as that entire marriage lasted and in that time I’ve had plenty to ponder about why it went sideways. Of course an affair will put the quash on pretty much any marriage but as they say hindsight is always 20/20 and I’ve come to recognize some warning signs I should have paid attention to long before I said “I do”.  Many of those flags started waving early on, long before the engagement ever took place. Flags so bright they apparently blinded me from reality and the eventual impact they’d soon have like our differences on faith, money, children, and the future in general. Several of those chasms were so wide it’s a wonder we lasted as long as we did.  But being a young buck in my mid 20’s I thought I knew everything and approached our dating relationship like I was playing t...

If there is one relationship flaw virtually ever man gets tagged with it’s how he doesn’t talk. And by talk I don’t mean a discussion of golf handicaps, the stock market, or Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m referring to revelations of his inner workings, what’s going on within that masculine mind of his, what he’s really thinking.  I’m not quite sure if every human male is inflicted with this malady or just the stars of sitcoms and feature length relationship dramas but evidence abounds that men keep their emotional cards close to the chest.  And in almost two decades, which involved several committed relationships including marriage, I must admit I’m as guilty of this unseemly personality trait as the next Joe.  But in that time I’ve come to understand, through my own experiences and talking with and listening to other men, what I believe are the handful of reasons why so many of us men almost seem allergic to opening up with the women in our lives.  I don’t ...

The phenomenon of Fifty Shakes of Grey baffles me. Critics claim the writing is insipid likened more to the musings of a teenage schoolgirl than an author whose pen has garnered international fame. Yet the books’ success is undeniable and has sent publishers of a genre historically reserved for middle-aged single women with too many cats scrambling to repackage former ‘romance’ classics, and hopeful EL James’s furiously pounding the keyboard - no pun intended.    Why I give an iota about the novels I can’t say for sure, maybe it’s their meteoric success or why a storyline that seems to epitomize what women throughout history have fought hard to overcome. What I can state emphatically is that I haven’t read the books - entirely. How the first two installments landed in my possession at all is definitive proof a higher power, and while most men would have left them on the dining room table I was intent on deciphering what makes them irresistible to so many. Desiring to learn wha...

No question finds its way to my inbox more than about dating divorced dads. In most cases, they are from women never married or with children who have fallen for a divorced father. Their cries for help, an if you read them you’d agree, are for me to explain these men’s confusing and frustrating behaviors - why they act how they do in the relationship. Yet, I’ve noticed each answer (and I do answer every email) has a familiar ring to a much more fundamental question:  “How can I know this guy is ready for a relationship?”. It’s a fair and relevant question. It’s not easy to know only by looking. So, in hopes of helping others, I’ve listed four things women should pay the most attention. I’ve also included what you may want to do in response.   The Clock – This is what I call ‘table stakes,' meaning, for any woman this should be a deal killer. Divorce is a gut wrenching, life wrecking event. Regardless of how bad the marriage, how long he slept in the spare bedroom, and ho...

It continues to amaze me just how few women realize the power they hold over romantic relationships. I’m convinced that if they did, and they used that influence honestly, sincerely, and to its full potential, overnight we would see a drop in the number of broken hearts and broken dreams. And truthfully, we'd likely see better men in the world.  I was again reminded of this by an email from a reader.  She begins,  My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He and his ex are separated (they were never married but cohabited for about 3-4 years) but they co-parent their 2 little boys, 3 and 4 years old. He takes a very active role in his children's lives. Although he lives in his own apartment now, he shares an amicable relationship with his ex and he will often go over in the morning and evenings after work to see his children. I have met his kids, and we get along quite well, but I imagine that in their innocence, they see me as another adult who plays with...

“I have been in a serious committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years, and his children do not even know that he is dating.”      With that, I knew there would be problems. Much of this site has been dedicated to answering the challenges of dating single and divorced fathers. I’ve tried to give women a clearer understanding of how single dads think and feel while they balance relationships, kids, divorce, and exes. I’ve attempted to explain why single dads may behave in some of the ways they do. Yet I’ve encouraged patience with him, especially with the man who seems resistant to introduce his kids, and I’ve cautioned not to use that, meeting his children, as some litmus test for commitment.       But I’ve also written that eventually, and always, the day must come. If their relationship has any chance of long-term success, and perhaps marriage, his children – or more likely their children-  will impact that relationship in good ...

        Can it even be argued that bashing an ex is not one of the most fulfilling things in life? It might be better than counseling. This is especially so if that ex did something especially nasty. Lying, cheating, or as I recently saw in my inbox, sleeping with your parent, almost necessitates throwing the person under the bus. But besides the therapeutic benefits, it can be a great way to bond with someone new. Because chances are they have a few of their own ex stories to share. Upon learning you are not the only one cheated on – or whose ex slept with one of your parents – it is like the doors of heaven start swinging open, and stars begin moving into alignment.  That person inches a bit closer to ‘perfect.’ We all know the importance of finding things in common. Sharing our war stores in this game of love can often be magnetic.  This is especially true when it comes to divorce.       When the Queen and I learned that our form...

Many years ago, in another life long before the Queen, I met a woman during a business conference. She was blessed with hazel eyes that could bring any man to his knees. Introduced through a mutual colleague, we got to know each other between breakout sessions and cocktail hours.  We stayed in touch and what started as two professional thirty something’s enjoying time as schedules permitted grew into a 300-mile long-distance relationship. Ignited by those first days in Memphis, our relationship was now fueled on long phone conversations and short weekend visits. From the beginning, things felt right. Divorced only six months, I already had a few failed ‘relationships’ in my rearview mirror, but this one, I believed, was different. She always said - and I always did -  the right things. We were made for each other, and both knew something more than coincidence had happened.     Everything seemed perfect when together. The conversation easy, the passion intense. I...

  My friend Tara, from Relative Evolutions, wrote a recent essay on how marriage is hard work. She ends with this question,  “Marriage is work. So why do we congratulate those who leave a dead-end job while shaming those who leave a dead-end marriage?” It’s an excellent thought and worthy of a response.   ** In several ways, I agree with the creative symbolism she uses to connect work and marriage. She writes:   “First, you have to prove yourself worthy, then you get hired and everyone rejoices because a vacancy has been filled.  There is hope and optimism that the team will move forward and accomplish great things together. You have to show up every day, even when you don't exactly feel like it. You have to use the skills you have as well as learn new ones as you grow. There are changes to roll with, likely in the form of surprise projects and revised deadlines. If all goes well, your work is (mostly) enjoyable and appreciated, and everyone is (mostl...

  My father never offered his advice about girls, though I understand he was moderately popular with them; and after thirty years of marriage you think he’d have something valuable to say. He never spoke about the secret of his marital success or how to make relationships work. He never shared how a woman’s character and integrity are more important than her personality or the color of her hair. He never counseled me to look through her eyes to what hides behind them, and he didn’t caution that in this world there are ordinary girls and girls of a different kind - or how to tell the difference.  His neglect would plague me for more than twenty years.  My impression of women and relationships, for most of my adult life, can be summarized like this; if she was marginally alcoholic, somewhat trampy, overly desperate, and was just attractive enough to bolster my ego I believe she had sufficient criteria for a girlfriend, and if she stayed faithful maybe even a wife. But I wou...