What still amazes me most about divorce is how two people, once committing to love, honor, and cherish each other till death do part, almost overnight wishes to see that qualifier become a reality. Well, maybe not technically dead, but at least out of the way, vanished, or forgotten. This can be especially true when the complications of co-parenting are involved. For the better part of the last thirteen years as a divorced father, I have often felt my place is to keep quiet and the checks coming. It was usually the case we were more adversaries than teammates.
One of the deadly characteristics of co-parenting, not talked about nearly enough, is this combativeness on account of the unspoken competition between divorced parents. An ongoing struggle for the affections of their children. It can manifest itself in countless ways from gift giving to vacations, where each parent lives or even the type of house; and all for the purpose of one-upping the other parent, to believe one parent is loved more than the other. We would never admit this, but at some level, most divorced parents know it to be true. Rare are those who can end a marriage while putting aside all pride, self-interest, and insecurity for the sake of the kids.
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Yet we are not entirely to blame for this rivalry, consider the divorce process itself. From the start, it is a game where one opponent is trying to beat the other into submission. A divorce settlement is merely the scoreboard showing the outcome of the match. Why then should we expect the bloodlust suddenly quenched because the judge has signed off on the decree? For three months my former wife did everything she could to take away from me time and money. Is it any wonder we struggled to co-parent in the years that followed?
The war rages on long after the initial battle is over, and for some, the contest never ends.
This is no better illustrated than with child custody. But it goes much deeper than merely agreeing to and abiding by a set schedule. That becomes the easy part. It gets much more complicated when our kids decide to have more of a say about where they should go and when.
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Early in my relationship with the Queen, she experienced something common to many divorced parents. For a time, every other Friday her strong-willed daughter would put on a drama-filled escapade as she tried to talk her way out of going to her dads. At my urging, the Queen held firm, though admittedly it was not easy. As she kept reminding her of her father’s love and that he wants to spend time with her, she fought feelings of guilt that she was somehow damaging the child. Finally, with him parked in the driveway, she would storm out of the house mad at the world, and especially the Queen.
The father never knew any of this.
If you are a divorced parent, it will invariably happen that your child will decide they do not want to go to the ‘other parent’s’ home. Some children act strangely, or others will throw fits. A few, like the Queen’s daughter, will say so outright. Some may hide themselves in their rooms or make any number of excuses on why they do not want to go such as ‘my friends are all over here’, ‘there is nothing to do there’. You likely have your examples. I have yet to meet one parent who has not, in some way or another, faced this – and for the majority, it is the dad who is rebuffed.
I think many parents, especially mothers, take all of this too lightly, if not actually relishing it. Yet the reality is that a parent’s response in this situation can help set the course for that child, and the co-parenting relationship, not only the in months to come, but perhaps for life.
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It is sad to say but many parents, especially mom’s, look forward to these situations. When that child does not want to go to dad’s, it can feel as if a point was made. Another tick is on the scoreboard in her favor. She is suddenly in the lead. Egos swell, and feelings of vindication served. For a moment at least, all the pain and hurt of the divorce may even seem worth it. For a time, we feel more loved. We are winning the game.
Some parents may fool themselves by believing that supporting the child’s wishes is a way of protection. “I should not force them to go over there,” “The kids should also get a say?”, “What type of parent am I if I make them go?” Feeling they are doing the right thing, they call up and offer excuses and rationalizations for why the kids will not be coming over this weekend - all while doing an end-zone dance.
Unless there is clear-cut abuse, at which other steps should be taken, there are very few (and I would argue none) reasons any why a parent should not only promote but encourage the relationship with the other parent. What that person may or may not have done as a spouse is irrelevant to them as a parent. If we can accept that for all that person’s fault as a husband or wife, they are a good mom or dad that loves and is devoted to their children, then any effort to curb or worse, discourage visitation and the relationship with the other parent is evidence of our own insecurity and selfishness.
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I do not think the Queen ever got comfortable standing her ground on those Fridays. In time the tantrums subsided, and her daughter gave up trying. But all those hard stances and swallowing those feelings of fear and guilt were rewarded several years later. During a long car ride, her daughter made a point to thank the Queen for forcing her go when she did not want to. As a mature young woman, she could now see that the relationship with her father, one that was better than it had ever been, would have probably been very different had her mother easily given in.
Co-parenting is much more than simply following a set of court-sanctioned rules. Co-parenting is about seeing that other person’s value as a parent when we no longer see their value as a spouse. Doing this will mean sacrifice. It will require us to advocate for someone when we may rather run them over with a bus. It will most certainly mean at times losing in the moment so that our kids, and ultimately, we, win in the end.