I wasn’t always such a nice guy. There was a season of my life where I would lie and manipulate to get what I wanted. I was calculating and exact; like a master of deception I knew what to do, what to say, and how to say it. I would promise to call – and wouldn’t. I said I really cared - but I didn’t. I’d act excited the next morning – but I wasn’t. Shamefully women represented for me a means to an end and as soon as the mission was complete, the victory achieved, and the thrill gone – so where they.
I wish I could admit that this behavior happened during a time when games and dishonor could be blamed on youthful self-centeredness – but that too would be a lie. The fact of the matter, this narcissism occurred not so long ago when I knew better and had a very important reason to act so – I was a father to a daughter.
As I think back at my actions in those days I am appalled at the hypocrisy. Here I was, this father to a beautiful little girl, engaging in a lifestyle that I would have been mortified for her to discover. Wasn’t I was supposed to be living in a way that showed her what real manhood was? Wouldn’t she be getting her queues on how boys should treat her from the way I treated women? If that was so, the rate I was going she’d be pregnant or on a stripper pole by her 19th birthday.
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The first few years following the divorce I was easily able to separate fatherhood from singlehood. Because my children were far too young to ever grasp concepts like character and decency I could live one way while they weren’t looking and live another when they were. I hid my disgrace behind their naivety and naptimes. But as they got older and our communication evolved from monologue to dialogue, that little voice we all have started getting louder. Now that we were having discussions around topics that would be the foundation for how they would come to view life, no longer would my conscience allow me get away with living a double standard.
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If there is a litmus test or a barometer for how well fathers are doing it’s the question:
“Would I let me date my daughter?”
When a man stops to think how he responds to that question it leaves no room for excuses and justifications. We can’t wiggle out of it, use the worn out excuse “you don’t understand”, or sweep it under the rug. All we have to do is replace ourselves and our behaviors and how we see things with that kid who keeps texting and calling. All the sudden those private corners of our life we don’t show anyone but tell ourselves “they’re no big deal!” become really big deals!
- Would you let that boy treat her the way you treat your wife?
- Would you let him date her if he was addicted to pornography?
- Would you bless their relationship if he had a gambling habit? Stole from his company? Took drugs?
- Would you let him hang around if he did what you do when no one’s looking?
Far too many parents, moms included, view life on a case-by-case basis? We allow way too much subjectivity and leave more open to interpretation than we should. It seems almost every wrong deed we perform can be argued away with circumstance. But when it comes to our children, especially a father and his daughter, we have no tolerance for circumstances, understanding, or forgiveness Yet we have an explanation for that affair on our wives and why we belittle, demean, and abuse them while we wouldn’t, and shouldn’t accept that behavior when its levied against our little girls.
We hid our disgrace behind our arrogance
But as men and fathers we can’t live like that. We can’t disrespect and dishonor our wives but expect him to treat her like a princess. We have a responsibility, in fact a duty, to live in such a way that our daughters will know which boys to get involved with and which to stay away from. Through our actions, how we talk to her mother, how we treat her grandparents, what kind of father we are to her brothers and sisters, and how we treat the people around us she will learn to respect others, us, and most importantly herself. And in my case, by watching how I live she will learn to distinguish sincere interest and appreciation in a boy from someone who only sees her as a means.
The way I see it, if every daughter wants to marry someone like her daddy, from now on I plan to live the life of someone I’d want her to.
Originally published in 2013