There’s no manual on how best to discuss this with our sons. And depending on where you look there is an outright contradiction if such conversations are even necessary. Many absurdly claim that porn is a healthy way for young boys to discover and grow in their sexuality. Furthermore, those same ‘experts’ believe that to criticize or condemn pornography only promotes future sexual repression in adulthood. That to throw a negative spin on porn only results in harmful guilt and shame. Yet given our overall cultural addiction to sex, and the documented effects persistent porn use is having on young men, a bit of repression, guilt, and shame would be welcomed.
The fact is our children, and particularly our sons, will be assaulted by sexual images in one form or another for the rest of their lives, it’s only a matter of when it starts. So, unless parents in general and fathers, in particular, prepare them early for the ensuing onslaught, our boys can suffer irreparable harm.
To ignore the topic is madness.
**
I started thinking about how best to go about this, and not without ample dread, as my son approached middle school. I knew his mother’s elementary graduation gift would be a cell phone, and I had read the research that a phone typically is the flash paper igniting all sorts of harmful behaviors, most notably pornography. I also knew, from being a kid myself, that timing about this uncomfortable topic would be critical. Begin the conversation too early, and I lose him out of awkwardness and ignorance, wait too late, and I lose him out of awkwardness and irritation.
In all my looking I have not found a single resource that truly aids parents in getting this right. But like so many other things much depends on the kid, the parent, and the family environment. That leaves it up to us to gauge the situation as best we can and not delay when the timing feels right. Gut and luck have most to do with it. But even considering all the variables, my experience with a twelve-year-old son has shown me there are things parents can do to make this hard conversation somewhat easier, for both you and him.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- It’s not one and done. Conversations about sex and especially porn must be ongoing. Having one talk then hoping for the best gets us nowhere except to peek his curiosity and lead him to search out what the hubbub is about actively.
- It’s a job for dads. Not to shortchange mothers, but as I will explain later, this is a conversation to be led by fathers. Porn addiction remains predominately a male phenomenon, and a dad can bring gravity and clarity to the topic because of their shared masculinity. A father can relate where mothers are biologically incapable. Besides most boys can’t even say ‘sex’ and ‘mom’ in the same sentence.
- Begin younger than you think. Most ‘professionals’ will say I started too young. Best I can remember, I had that first talk with him and his sister when he was eight or nine, and she would have been ten. It was just the basics of what pornography is – ‘naked pictures or videos of people.’ I used his sister’s ‘Cupcake Class’ as a jumping off point (this is the name her school used for girl's sex education class). The conversation developed as I ask questions about what she had learned. I attempted to drive the discussion forward without getting too graphic.
- Leverage your authority. While there may not be a ‘right’ age, I do know this, the job is made much easier when we can squash the ickiness early. We can do that by leveraging our natural authoritarian roles while we have the time. Here’s what I mean. At eight or nine we can use the sheer force of being ‘dad ‘to get them to more carefully listen and without as much of the awkwardness, on either’s part. Try to have that talk for the first time at thirteen or fourteen and the awkwardness will shut down his attention and all he’ll want to do is look for the nearest exit.
- Share your story. I’m not there yet, but I know it’s coming. Perhaps the best way we can educate our sons about the dangers of porn is using our own stories. A time is coming when I’ll share with him my addiction struggles, where that led, and the results that followed. This is not something I’m looking forward to, but in my mind, I can’t think of a better defense strategy. This is why dads owning this job is so helpful. A dad’s personal story about porn use - because most dads have one - will carry greater credibility than a mother’s, who likely has never had those challenges. It’s far more impactful than simply warning ‘don’t look at it.’
But here’s the sad reality, it could still turn out to be for nothing. I may well go through all of the discomfort, embarrassment, and still have no positive impact. My son could well end up like countless other boys whose outlook on sex and women has been distorted through years of pornography use.
But I’m encouraged by some initial signs. I’m convinced that because I started these conversations with him at an early age, my son suffers no shame or embarrassment in asking me questions about anything having to do with sex or porn. If he doesn’t understand a word and its context, he’ll ask. He will quickly share what he’s heard from his friends, what he is confused about, and will speak with me immediately should something inappropriate come across his screen. I’m hopeful, but not naïve. That all could change as well.
All I can do for now is support him when he comes to me and speak truth into his life as long as he’ll allow me. Reinforce the dangers of porn, keep a close watch on who he spends time with, and be observant to his actions and behaviors. Lastly, I must pray. Pray for his wellbeing; pray for his purity, and pray that all these hard conversations will somehow keep him off dangerous paths.