If you’re a single or divorced dad I feel your pain. I’ve been one for seven years and have experienced every emotion you are or will go through. I know what it’s like to have a piece of your soul ripped away every Sunday evening, I’ve had the desire to take out a professional hit on my ex-wife, and I understand feeling like you are getting the raw end of the deal.
Being a single father means we may never have a traditional relationship with our children, we may not always be there to tuck them in or be able to band-aide every scrape but that doesn’t mean we can’t be any less than an extraordinary influence in their lives. Regardless of what media or culture says fathers are important and your kids need you whether you’re with their mother or not.
When I got divorced I didn’t get a manual or have a go-to person for help; my family was hours away, which meant I was on my own. As such, I’ve made almost every conceivable mistake a dad can from introducing the girlfriend early to horrendous potty training mistakes, but I also learned a few things along the way. I talk with lots of single dads and get to share my experiences. Below are what I believe to be the 5 most important steps every dad should take towards being a great single father.
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1. Accountable – And yes I mean paying child support. I don’t care how irresponsible your ex is with money or how painful writing that check seems every month. It’s less unpleasant than going to jail and it makes co-parenting far easier. And if you’re unable to pay, then you need to man up and explain the situation and work something out. There is no excuse to disregard paying child support when you are able.
2. Consistency – Children from broken homes have enough to deal with already, they don’t need a father who doesn’t do what he says. That means being there for the football games, ballet recitals, and daddy/daughter dances if you say you’re going to. If you can’t make it then say so but don’t respond with ‘maybe’, kids take that to mean ‘yes’. Once there is an established visitation schedule stick with it, make that the top priority and if you must change call their mom and the kids to explain why. Don’t let your work or social life take time away from being a dad.
3. Boundaries – while the ‘Disney-Land dad’ is more often the musings of a jealous mom, many single dads are prone to let their kids get away with to much allowing them eat, do, and watch what they want simply because it’s easier. Kids need healthy boundaries from their parents and single dads are no different. We should establish rules when they are with us and while it helps tremendously if those boundaries are the same at mom and dad’s house isn’t necessary. My kids mother and I don’t always parent the same but the best I can do is worry about what happens at my home and do what I feel is best.
4. Family - you’re a family whether mom is in the picture or not and every family needs a home. It starts with something so basic as the kids having their own room. Our kids shouldn’t feel like they’re going to a hotel the weekends they are at dad’s house. Your home should feel like their home. That means keeping the house clean, well stocked with snacks and food, plus books and games they enjoy. That also means doing activities as a family like eating dinner together regularly, watching movies, going on vacation, or just spending electronic-free time together. One easy thing is to establish set TV and video game time.
5. Polite – Your ex-wife probably isn’t your best friend. Divorces are hell and emotions get scarred in the aftermath but it is essential that we NEVER speak negatively about our ex’s in front of the children; that includes snide remarks, off-color comments, or innuendos. That is pure selfishness with the underlying purpose of persuading our kids to pick sides. They should see you and mom as a united front with only their best interest at heart regardless of your actual feelings towards her. Anything less is completely unacceptable.
The modern family isn’t without trials and challenges. Co-parenting is as enjoyable as drinking hot Pepsi. But as fathers we will be an influence on our children, whether it’s positive or negative will be up to us.
Originally published in 2011