I’ve never considered myself a coordinated person. I’ve never accomplished anything of dexterity much more skilled than walking and chewing gum at the same time. But that changed when I became a single dad. Overnight coordination and organization became necessities. And add to that new reality the responsibilities of an employee, boss, and managing the nuances that come along with romantic relationships and I turned into a one-man juggling and tight rope-walking act.
There is an ample supply of single fathers in the world. With a divorce rate, depending upon whom you ask, at or above 50% there is an over abundance of them. And with such large numbers in the dating pool, the odds of a woman meeting and dating one of these single fathers is better than anything in you’ll get in Vegas. In fact I think it’s directly proportionate to her age; a twenty-five year old has about a 25% chance of dating a single dad and that number gets exponentially higher when she reaches her forties. But single father doesn’t mean ‘good’ single father, for every good one out there I can show you four aren’t worth a flip, and if a woman is thinking about dating these divorced dads how good of one he is becomes vitally important.
Several years ago I started living by the conviction that I can only be as good a man as I am a father and vice-a-versa. What I mean is that I can’t be a good man and be a lousy dad. Fatherhood and manhood are too fundamentally intertwined. Can someone who is cheating on his wife be a good father or one who has abandoned his children be a good man? And this is a fundamental fact that I think far too many women fail to grasp or recognize. Because any woman who will accept a man she knows isn’t fulfilling his fatherly responsibilities not only compounds the problem - she becomes the problem.
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I haven’t always been the best dad - or man. Providence saw to it that I divorced when my kids were excruciatingly young (10 months and two and a half years), which in hindsight was a blessing because the first year after my divorce I was anything but illustrious. But the godsend was being able to hide my mistakes behind their innocence and youth, which allowed me to learn from them and figure some things about me before they started paying closer attention.
Dating a single father comes with an abundance of known and unknown obstacles, and women without children usually have the hardest time overcoming them. The baggage a single dad carries onboard won’t fit in the overhead compartment. I would immediately notice this tension if I had to change or cancel plans or I couldn’t do something on account of my kids. I could sense the confusion and dismay in their voice as if I had bailed on them instead because of a bad hair day.
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There is what dating a single dad IS like and what dating one SHOULD be like and usually these experiences don’t correspond. A man who has prioritized his life in such a way that his actions and behaviors reflect his responsibilities will exude certain characteristics and therefore a relationship with him comes with certain expectations. Being a single dad for almost eight years, a really bad one and what the Queen says is a good one; I have identified five universal characteristics women should expect from dating a quality single dad.
- You won’t always be #1 – prepare yourself to play second chair, often. His children were there before you and there will certainly be times when they take precedence over whatever you might have going on. While this intrinsically sounds understandable it often becomes unsettling when one stops to think kids take a long time to grow up. But don’t jump to quick conclusions. If he is thinking long term, he knows that kids grow up and move away so he should have a healthy balance of priorities between you and them. And you should remain flexible.
- Be prepared to listen – Throw in anger, resentment, guilt, and a dash of pity and you’ve got enough ingredients for an episode of Dr. Phil. Co-parenting is challenging and doing so with someone you would often rather push into moving traffic is harder. After eight years I still get frustrated, exhausted and rely on the Queen to be my rock to lean on, shoulder to cry on, and ear to scream in.
- Lean times ahead – Child support and alimony are French for “remove my wallet via my ass”. A divorced father who is fulfilling his financial obligations will inherently have less disposable income. It’s part of the territory. So when your DINK (dual income no kids) friends are living it up on weeklong trips to Fiji you may have to settle for a Labor Day weekend getaway to Cleveland.
- Think long term – If you date a single dad, by default you are a step mom. Don’t let that freak you out; but if you are in his children’s lives they look to you as a role model, whether they know it or not. That means paying attention to the domino effect of parenting. What you do today will come back around later - in the form of their behavior and actions. Parenting is about being mindful to stay out of the moment and understand what happens today often has big impact tomorrow. Plus kids can’t keep secrets, so when their teacher asks where they learned that dirty word, don’t be surprised when you get thrown under the bus.
- Drama is a’coming – If he is a single dad that likely means there is a single mom. Some of the craziest women I have ever known are divorced mothers; and mom madness gets intensified when she feels threatened by daddy’s new ‘girlfriend’. Not all drama is such a bad thing, that means she is paying attention, but when your car gets keyed or she calls DFACS in one of her spastic fits, start worrying.
I’m biased but I believe a relationship with a quality, divorced father can be the most fulfilling of any. There is just something special about men who have started to figure life out, know where they are going, how they will get there, and understand what’s important and what’s not. Unfortunately there are lots of single dads who haven’t gotten there yet and many will never. But when you experience these five characteristics that’s a sign you’ve landed one of the good ones.
Originally published in 2012