It continues to amaze me just how few women realize the power they hold over romantic relationships. I’m convinced that if they did, and they used that influence honestly, sincerely, and to its full potential, overnight we would see a drop in the number of broken hearts and broken dreams. And truthfully, we'd likely see better men in the world.
I was again reminded of this by an email from a reader.
She begins,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He and his ex are separated (they were never married but cohabited for about 3-4 years) but they co-parent their 2 little boys, 3 and 4 years old. He takes a very active role in his children's lives. Although he lives in his own apartment now, he shares an amicable relationship with his ex and he will often go over in the morning and evenings after work to see his children. I have met his kids, and we get along quite well, but I imagine that in their innocence, they see me as another adult who plays with them.
Of all the notes I receive seeking advice, this one best sums up the majority. An unmarried woman confused about dating a single father. As more people, especially more women, remain single for longer, this situation is almost inevitable and will play itself out repeatedly. And as nearly any woman who has done so would admit, dating a father is a very different situation – if he’s doing things properly.
For any single dad, balancing the needs of a relationship and the demands of parenthood is never easy, which often leads many women without children to find his attempts frustrating. But a relationship with a single father can be very fulfilling. If he is doing his job right, such men prove to be responsible, loving, and attentive.
She continues,
My gripe with the situation is that I have asked him many times whether his ex is aware he is seeing me. His response is that she knows he is dating but he does not "bring it up" specifically as he is respectful of her. I also rarely get to see him on weekends as he spends much of it with his children. Although I have suggested that he bring the kids out sometimes and he has on some occasions, I have observed that he seems to be rather hesitant to do so when she is home. I know the four of them spend time together during weekends and that eats at me because I rarely get to see him on weekends. I have also not met any of his friends. I am quite conflicted about where this is going. While I see an increasing effort on his part to include me in his children's life, which I understand to be a big step for any parent, I feel at the same time excluded from a huge part of his life - almost like a mistress.
As I’ve written before, dating a single father comes with an abundance of built-in litmus tests pointing to the type of person he really is. Things a woman would never know from a man without children. For example, how is his relationship with his kids? What kind of father is he? How does he talk about his ex-wife/partner? Does he pay child support? Or does he always talk negatively about his ex, hardly ever sees his children, and never pays child support? Such questions and answers get to the very heart of the quality of that man. They act as spotlights on his character as a person, his sincerity about the woman and their relationship, and his level responsibility as a man.
She concludes,
I have expressed my concerns and he has reassured me that "he is not taking us lightly" but the weekends eat at me. This coming September, the ex is going away for 2 weeks and he has asked me if I wanted to spend time with the kids. Although I was initially excited, I am now wondering if that is a good idea.
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In the early seventies, Dick Van Dyke starred in a PSA (Public Service Announcement) about fire prevention. Specifically, what to do if your clothes suddenly caught fire. Should someone find his suit ablaze, these three steps were suggested to prevent severe burn and further injury. 40 years later, the Stop, Drop, and Roll method has become ingrained our collective subconscious. Yet this isn't only for fire prevention, it can be just as appropriate for preventing heartbreak or getting burned in a relationship.
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In next month’s episode of Fatherhood Wide Open*, I'm having a conversation with author and speaker Mike Domitrz on his new book, ‘Can I Kiss You?’ In it, he describes rules for intimacy and addresses ways to prevent sexual assault. One of the key points he makes is the importance of personal values. What he means is that one of the best ways to avoid sexual assault is having a set of core beliefs about ourselves and what is right and wrong. For example, ‘Will I go back to someone's place after a first date?’, ‘Will I kiss someone or even go to bed with them right after we've met?’ Without a strong core set of beliefs about how we see ourselves and the world around us, we're opened up to making those important decisions at the moment influenced only by powerful and unpredictable emotions.
I believe it's no different for love. Each of us should have a set of core values when it comes to our romantic relationships. In the past what I've referred to as ‘deal killers’. These values serve as the foundation of how we should approach a romantic relationship, based on what we believe is most important. Some instances, ‘For me, what does honesty look like in a relationship?’ 'Is transparency important and do I know it when I see it?’, ‘Do I expect to be honored and why?’ If we have built these out for ourselves, we can more clearly see what is happening in front of us and are better able to cut through the emotional haze ‘love’ often places us.
**
From experience and observation, men routinely need anvils falling on their heads to get their attention. Innuendos and hints rarely work. They often need the wind knocked out of the sails before they can see their mistakes and change course.
STOP
In my response to her, I first suggested viewing her situation from the outside. If this was happening to her friend instead, what would she notice? Is this father acting sincere, transparent, and honestly? Is he showing respect, honoring the relationship, and living truthfully? I replied, ‘For any relationship to start off on a healthy course there must be transparency. The honest truth between a couple. It just doesn’t seem to me that you have that with your boyfriend at the moment.'
If she arrives at a similar conclusion, then her first step should be to STOP the relationship immediately. Meaning that she tells him because of what she's experiencing, she can go no further until things change. She tells him that she respects herself and the relationship too much to continue, and she is going to STOP seeing him, calling, or texting. She wants to be with him, but she can't go on as things currently are.
DROP
Simultaneously, she must DROP any pretenses or vain hopes, and instead lay down - or DROP - what she wants to see changed in the relationship and from him specifically before she will consider continuing. I write,
'I would encourage you NOT to meet with his children over that two weeks, and instead, I would suggest you lay down some conditions for him to follow if he wants the relationship to continue.
- That you meet the mother of his children and that he explains to her, with you being there, the nature of yours and his relationship.
- That he begins making time for you on the weekends with and without his children.'
(Side note, to DROP will require values to be outlined and thoroughly understood. Without this, any expectations will be lukewarm and negotiable.)
ROLL
This is perhaps the toughest part and why I believe too many women choose not to exert this power they possess. There is an excellent possibility that if she STOP's and DROP's, her boyfriend will be unable or even unwilling to meet her demands, and she will then be left with a tough decision - step back on what she wants or ROLL on and out of the relationship. In other words, if he doesn’t meet these requirements is she prepared to walk away entirely? If she isn’t ready to ROLL onto something better, then she should not follow through with STOP or DROP. Why? Anything less than full conviction on her part means it all crumbles when tested, and her credibility gets ruined. To do so will alter the dynamics of the relationship, tipping the table and he will realize her threats are hollow and expectations arbitrary. Furthermore, it will almost inevitably make things worse in the future.
I’ve seen this play out enough to know that within relationships when women have clear outlined values, live by them with conviction, and expect those values to be respected by a partner without negotiation - that usually is what happens.
And should it not, and she STOPS the relationship, DROPS on him the expectations she demands and is prepared to ROLL when they are not met, she will nearly always find her husband or boyfriend miraculously rises to the occasion, preventing a fire from engulfing her.
And if he doesn't or can't, she'll just as quickly discover she's better off without him.