If there is one relationship flaw virtually ever man gets tagged with it’s how he doesn’t talk. And by talk I don’t mean a discussion of golf handicaps, the stock market, or Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m referring to revelations of his inner workings, what’s going on within that masculine mind of his, what he’s really thinking.
I’m not quite sure if every human male is inflicted with this malady or just the stars of sitcoms and feature length relationship dramas but evidence abounds that men keep their emotional cards close to the chest. And in almost two decades, which involved several committed relationships including marriage, I must admit I’m as guilty of this unseemly personality trait as the next Joe.
But in that time I’ve come to understand, through my own experiences and talking with and listening to other men, what I believe are the handful of reasons why so many of us men almost seem allergic to opening up with the women in our lives.
I don’t have a PhD in Psychology, only real world experience and Southern common sense - plus I’m pretty good at contemplating why I do what I do and I’ve dealt with each of these at some point in my story. And candidly, I don’t think I’m much different than the average guy.
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He doesn’t think you’ll listen – Some of the poorest listeners I’ve ever known are women. The inability to be a good one is not a man-only problem; women are just as focused on getting their point across - and just as quick to hurry the other person along so they can do so. Plus many women I know have the propensity to take another person’s issue and use it as their launch pad to talk about their problems, which are invariably worse than yours. Men have learned that women don’t need them to solve a problem - just listen. The thing is, that works the other way just as effectively.
He’s afraid you’ll judge him – The most fragile thing God ever created was the male ego. Never lacking in its need for stroking and boosting, the slightest criticism can send most men into a three-day depression. I know because this has been my Achilles’ heel throughout life. What’s the point of explaining why we’re unhappy, depressed, or angry if we’re just going to be reminded that “I told you so” or “You should have known better”? We likely feel stupid already; we’d rather not be told we are also.
He needs time to process it – The human female tends to communicate unfiltered. Whatever happens to her or whatever runs through her mind immediately gets discussed. Men don’t usually work that way. The Queen has learned if I’m faced with a crisis I need to take time and process it, look at it from angles, and get my T’s crossed and I’s dotted before I open up and talk. I was laid off from a job in the spring of last year, the moment I found out I called the Queen but before she launched into a myriad of questions she gave me the rest of the afternoon to sort things out and get my bearings straight. Don’t expect him to begin confiding his deepest feelings five minutes after getting bad news.
He’s scared you’ll get upset and leave him – There are thoughts which go through men’s minds that scare the hell out of even them; feelings that send chills down their spine and leave them wondering if there is something seriously wrong. There’s not a man I know whom at some point hasn’t wondered, “What would she think if I told her how I felt?” It may surprise women to know that what they think does matter, regardless of what he might say. And it scares him stiff to think you would be so disappointed in him to suddenly want out and that you suddenly realize how big of a mistake you’ve made.
He doesn’t respect you – As harsh as this is going to sound it is an absolute reality. I know a lot of men and most of them will only talk about personal problems or issues with someone they completely respect, absolutely trust, and fully admire. A man will not reveal his inner workings to anyone he doesn’t respect, no matter who they might be and that includes a spouse. My ex-wife is a perfect example. There was little I shared about my inner life and personal problems I faced, seeking instead the help of a therapist and a prescription of anti-depressants.
It’s a myth that men never talk about their problems. I know countless numbers of them who do because I’ve been part of those conversations. And in them they’ve shared why they aren’t talking about this with their wives and girlfriends. But don’t take my word for it. If the man in your life isn’t talking to you, I’m willing to bet he would, if you let him.