The day my divorce became final was anything but cause for celebration, except that I could finally let my attorney go milk someone else for phone calls and ‘office supplies.' There was relief that I could now get on with my life and not have parts of it used against me in a court of law. I was obviously thankful the thing was behind me; once I had reached the tipping point in trying to keep our marriage together, once I had accepted that she was moving on with her life and with someone new, I set loose a hurricane of energy preparing for my own future. It was sixty days of sheer chaos that left me exhausted and frazzled.
But mostly I was sad, that day became a funeral of sorts. Something had died and was now laid to rest. Dreams and hopes given birth years before had been lowered into the grave. That day was and will remain, a testimony to two people’s failure, of promises never to be kept.
There were many emotions that afternoon, but none worthy of pictures.
**
There has been a rise in what’s called, ‘The Divorce Selfie.' A phenomenon explained by a newly divorced couple taking one last selfie in some joyous pose celebrating the official ending of their marriage. It’s often the happily divorced couple in front of the courthouse or holding the signed divorce decree as if it was a charity donation. Included is usually an awkward and likely halfhearted, quip, “We smile not because it’s over, but because it happened’ or ‘I think this is what unconditional love looks like’ or ‘After 16 years we finally gave each other the perfect anniversary gift.’
It seems to be their way of memorializing the moment and proving how they are beyond the petty discord of most divorce couples. While this will be most surely another fad and is yet more proof to the lengths people go in their endeavor to be relevant but more hopefully, viral. In reality, this trend is a tragic example of how insignificant the meaning of marriage for many has become.
**
Contrary to the current tide, the importance of marriage cannot be overstated. And while the cultural ‘elite’ seem ready to condemn matrimony at every turn as a patriarchal and oppressive ‘institution’. The reality is that they (most bashing matrimony appear quite eager to be subjected to it) and countless prior generations have found marriage to be the foundation of every other meaningful thing the good life is built upon, relational satisfaction, economic prosperity, human flourishing, emotional wellbeing, and abundant sex.
I think we all know this because while I’ve met many who ‘say’ they will never marry or do so a second time because they see no benefits, their actions routinely are different. Look at Hollywood, why are we so attracted to movies of embittered souls who finally find that ‘right one’? Why is it that even after some of the most painful breakups, we still find ourselves holding out hope that the next one will be different? Look at the expectations most hold for marriage, anything given that sized load to carry has to be important. While we may unwisely hang the basis of our human happiness on our marriages, it can’t be denied that we ask so much of it because we see such meaning in it. We believe the reward is great for the price asked.
We don’t celebrate with other things die, so why would we for a marriage?
**
But we should, at least, commend these former couples, if they’re actually sincere, for attempting the high road, even if that journey will likely be very short lived, especially if children are involved. Just the fact that they can stand so close without killing one another is, if nothing else, a powerful demonstration of self-control.
Yet for the most part, I think the whole thing is mostly for show, as a particular celebrity divorcee seems to have already proven. Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ hasn’t been as ‘conscious’ as she had hoped when she made the phrase popular during her separation from Chris Martin. At the time, they wanted us to believe they were turning off their 13-year marriage like one does a light switch and through their fame, they would rise above the pitfalls that ensnare the commoners. But as she explained in a recent interview, her divorce, and all that includes, has been the ‘hardest thing ever.’
Here’s what I’m saying, I don’t see my negative feelings that day as a sign my immaturity. Instead, it was an accurate reflection to the severity of what had happened; a sign of the seriousness with which I said those words, ‘I do.' My grief confirmed my loss, my anger demonstrated her betrayal, and my fear signified the unknown awaiting. None of which, we would all agree, deserves a picture or a celebration.
**
These carefully crafted images don’t accurately reflect the gravity of what has occurred, and more so, what is about to come. Because as almost anyone who has been through a divorce will admit, for things to ever get better they first must get much worse. To actually move on and heal, and not repeat the same mistakes, means trekking through emotional wastelands. Safely arriving at the other side demands that we learn about ourselves and take responsibility for the parts we own – those are places no cameras are allowed.
I also can’t help but question how much these ‘progressive’ couples understand the consequences of divorce, or are they just ignoring them? I wonder if they will continue to be as congratulatory when that first holiday arrives and they are alone, or when their children talk about mom’s new boyfriend, or she is introduced to her kids’ stepmom? Will they be able to maintain this same outlook on divorce while in the throes of co-parenting or when they struggle with the inevitable guilt that is part and parcel?
The end of a marriage is anything but positive and trying to make it into something it’s not only diminishes its significance and insults the countless others who have or are dealing with the fallout of their own failed marriages. Certainly, it can, and should, be handled with as much maturity and respect as can be given under the circumstances. But divorce should not, it cannot, be celebrated. It doesn’t deserve a party, a t-shirt, a custom coffee mug, or a girl’s weekend in Cancun. Nothing that begins with such hope and enthusiasm ought to be applauded when it ends.
To somehow treat divorce as one might a birthday or promotion is to discount what it truly is – the death of something that was to be beautiful and life-giving.
And like any death, the right response to divorce isn’t celebration but sadness, it isn’t pictures but pain.