Language is important. What we say about a thing says as much about us as it does the thing. Take relationships and particularly cheating. Those with little tolerance describe it with that Old Testament word, ‘adultery.’ Others with less conviction may use, ‘affair.’ The watered-down terms ‘infidelity’ or ‘extramarital relationship’ have become popular for the more progressive. This same phenomenon can be said for countless areas of life. How we refer to families is no exception.
There are many labels for the family created when one or both spouses bring children into a new marriage. ‘Stepfamily’ remains most common. ‘Blended family’ gets regular airplay. There is also ‘jigsaw family’, ‘non-nuclear family’, and ‘bonus family.’ Yet for those living it every day, these names may not seem appropriate. ‘Stepfamily’ makes it seem a step down-from something better. ‘Jigsaw’ is too closely associated with a horror movie. ‘Bonus’ seems overly Pinterest. ‘Non-Nuclear’ is candidly weird.
The reason no name seems apt is that none fully captures reality. When a remarried couple forms a new family, the members of that family begin a journey, one that is long but surprisingly predictable. As life moves past the honeymoon, as children grow, as routines develop, the marriage relationship settles all while the family ebbs and flows. At each step along this journey dynamics may shift. Step siblings become close then fall apart only to come back together again. Old problems, once thought put to rest, resurface. These families are never static, which is one reason remarriage is regularly more difficult, and often less successful.
Regardless of one’s feeling about labels, they are a necessary and perhaps there is a better one to describe family dynamic based upon personal experience and observation. ‘Blending families’ seem the most appropriate descriptor. Why? Because ‘blending’ represents action. As one who is in a ‘blending family’, things are most always changing. It is for this reason I say, ‘blend is not what the family is, but what it is doing.’ That may seem like a small nuance, but it is far bigger and the consequences much larger.
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While ‘blended family’ is most popular, professionals almost unanimously abhor the phrase, saying it gives these families false hope. I think they are right, but for different reasons. For them the false hope is that ‘blended’ implies the family can evenly mix, like ingredients in a recipe. While I agree that is a false hope, I do not think that is what gets families confused. Instead, the term ‘blended’ gives an impression that the ‘blend’ happens when the marriage does. Put another way, once the couple says ‘I do’ the family has ‘did’. This gives false hope that the hardest work is over after the honeymoon, only to later discover the exchanging of vows isn’t the finish line, it is the starting block.
I think this misconception is the foremost reason so many second marriages struggle and in time fail. Dating single parents, full of enthusiasm and hope, come together into a marriage with the assumption that the marriage is only ingredient necessary to bring their new family together. But as life continues and they come upon any number of predictable challenges, the couple and family get rocked. Not anticipating and therefore not prepared knee jerk reactions of fear and wonder often follow, ‘Will it always be like this?’ or ‘How can this be happening?’ Unable to see beyond that moment or misinformed on what to expect, the question quickly turns to if the marriage, or more likely the other person, was a big mistake? I have even heard couples say, ‘I was single once, I can be single again instead going through all of this.’
‘Blending family’ makes no such pretense. It points to a beginning, but the end is hazy at best. Is there a better representation for such families, which are often a day-to-day journey into the unknown? We should not be naïve to believe that changing a name changes the circumstances or makes the struggles any easier, but when we change our labels, it helps us to change our expectations. That can lead to rekindled hope. If I believe that whatever our family may be going through at this moment is common and can change with time and energy, would I be more or less likely to throw in the towel? Would I be more willing to work a little harder and be a little more patient if I know this, though steep at the moment, is well traveled and not always be uphill?
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To help us, there are two practical necessities that can lead to blending family success. The first is community. Blending families need to be in relationships with other blending families whom they can share frustrations, get advice, and do life. Too many blending families go at it alone, unaware of or unwilling to seek help.
The other necessity is having proper expectations. Remarried couples – with children - should understand that they are on a journey that takes time. Anticipations for what they believed/hoped/prayed would happen after the marriage should be discarded, because the reality will almost certainly be different.