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How To Have An Affair In 5 Easy Steps


Sex scandals are cultural catnip. We feed on them like drugs, perpetually jonesing for the next hit. Only to notice the foulness of the taste and we just as passionately spew them out. The most titillating of these carnal transgressions is marital infidelity. Or as I rather, the Old Testament sin — adultery.

A castle industry has risen from the ash of marriages consumed by infidelity. Its aim is to avoid such extramarital egress by instructing spouses on how to safeguard their marriages against the mate looking for a new place to scratch. Regrettably their valiant efforts appear to be falling short. Infidelity, at record highs, has so ravished the collective attitude towards marriage that the modern assumption of affairs seems not to be ‘if’ but ‘when’.

As a victim of infidelity my biggest wonder has always been how someone decides to cheat. I have never bought into the insulting notion that affairs just happen. I am convinced those who do, see that train, know where it is headed, and through arrogance or indifference defiantly choose nonetheless to hitch a ride.

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No one believed they would cheat until they did. But it does not take a Psychologist or Shaman to root cause the 'how' or the way ‘friendships’ magically turn into something more. While I am neither a witch doctor nor Sigmund Freud, through experience and observation I believe there are five steps that will virtually guarantee someone will have an affair. Five behaviors that when cultivated make the perfect conditions for marital disaster.
  • Believe it could not happen to you: No one believes they could cheat walking down the isle. But the confidence of our honesty opens us up to risks as we believe ourselves more virtuous than we really are. By not believing he could ever cheat a husband might put himself in dangerous positions relying on his 'purity' to see him through.
  • Pass the buck: Cheaters blame their cheating because they are unfulfilled in their current relationship, the responsibility for which is always the other person. Laying the problems in a marriage at the spouse’s feet the cheater can play the victim and has all the justification needed to have an affair.
  • I deserve to be happy: When life’s worth is judged solely by our happiness anything that doesn’t make our life happy must be replaced. This is one of the more common reasons people give for cheating, ‘I wasn’t happy anymore.’
  • No boundaries: Common belief is that couples’ who trust each other should have no boundaries; ‘you should trust me’ is common reaction. We justify that with, ‘he’s just a friend’, ‘it’s only a drink’, ‘it’s harmless flirting’. The one who voices such concerns suddenly becomes the untrusting enemy. We believe our willingness to trust each other openly shows how progressive we are as a couple.
  • Comparison shop: We begin internally comparing our spouse to someone else. “Why doesn’t my wife respect me like his does?”, “Why doesn’t my husband pay attention to me like him?” Invariably, our own internal dialogue turns into open criticism of how our spouse should be like someone we believe to be ideal. 
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While these are surefire steps that could result in the best of us cheating, they can also be the motivation we need to keep from it.

We must recognize that humans are horrible promise keepers and the promises we break most are our own. A healthy dose of humility and understanding that we too can foul up might help direct our behavior and keep us from ending up in dangerous situations that might lead us to cheat.

Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. Actions within the relationship lead to reactions that can occur outside it. No relationships problems are solely one person’s fault. There is plenty of blame to go around, though not always equal, and one of the best things we can do is sweep our own porch before we worry about our spouse.

Happiness isn’t the kaleidoscope through which we see the world. We were not born just to be happy and our joy and contentment is not our spouse’s responsibility. Our happiness should never be another’s burden.

Boundaries are the glue that can hold marriages together, they signal respect for the relationship and honor for the person. Additionally, boundaries imply that the relationship is more important than individual needs.

Comparison in any form is a loosing proposition. We all have the tendency to compare 'up', to what we think we know of another person. Not who the really are. 

If we hope to never be a marital statistic and feel the pain that comes from infidelity, our first desire should not be questioning if our spouse is guilty of these — but if we are.

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