Being a single parent has roughly the appeal of syphilis. A lifetime of bitterness, anger, and guilt is not a top contender when the genie asks for three wishes; and little boys and girls don’t dream of futures with child support, separation agreements, and visitation rights.
At a fundamental level, we understand that children do better when they are in one home — and that home includes a mother and father. Because of this, single and divorced parents often experience extreme guilt — because we know deep down this is not how things are supposed to be. When operating at its best, nothing is more wholesome or advantageous than the traditional nuclear family.
At the time of our divorce my children were three years and nine months, a well-trained baboon can take care of kids that young. My single parent skill set quickly became honed in the basic areas of taxi, cook, and circus performer. Without a co-pilot, I singlehandedly learned to systematize errands, lunch, gym and still be home for nap-time. But it was this notion of time that quickly proved as a major source of friction in my relationship with the ex. After our divorce, time with my kids was dispensed in hours instead of days, courtesy of the family court system and my naivety. The disparity was demoralizing; it conveyed my lack of importance and reduced me to the status of beggar.
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There is nothing more humiliating — or infuriating — than asking permission to see your children. Every time I was forced to seek her approval to be their father it drove that knife deeper and reinforced a belief that having a part-time dad was causing my children irreversible harm. Like vampires clinging to my soul, was the conviction that my kids and I were paying the true penance for another’s crime. I was panhandling for time, she was getting a mini-vacation. All of this served as gasoline on an already white-hot contempt for everything that had been taken away from me, beginning with my fatherhood.
My basic fear centered on this one issue, can a part time dad still be a good dad? Looking at my children through the lens of my own childhood, which included one home with a mother and father, I couldn’t shake the conviction that regardless of how noble the intent I was never going to influence my children as a part-time dad the way I could were I full-time. All I could think was, how much impact could I really have every other weekend and a couple hours on Tuesday and Thursday?
As this thought continued to ferment, I remained focused on what I was missing and what I believed I could never become. For me the glass was always half-empty, which I was reminded of every day I was not with my children.
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There comes a point when we all must decide, instead of wishing for a better hand, to play the cards we are given. Childhood is a small window and parents have limited space to make an impact. It seems we put them down for an afternoon nap and they wake up teenagers and if we are not mindful we turn around to discover all the opportunities to pour into them are suddenly gone. Coming to this realization brought me to the proverbial fork in the road; I could continue wallowing in what should have been or march boldly forward into what is. It was for me to decide if I was going to allow another’s selfishness to hold me back from what I was meant for — being my kids’ dad.
That wake-up call was over a decade ago. Much has happened since, lessons have been learned and mistakes made but as one now readies for college and the other practices his parallel parking, I am content to have created a bond with my children most married fathers could only hope for. With limited margin — I had to do much fathering to do with very little dad time— I never enjoyed the luxury of saying to them “maybe tomorrow”; for me, tomorrow might well have been four days away. Being a single father meant I must be in the moment, fully attentive, present emotionally and physically. I cannot think of once in all that time where I have taken my children for granted.
Single parenthood can and often is an unpleasant experience, yet as bizarre as this will sound, I am thankful to have been a single dad. By this turn of fate I was given an opportunity to put my unique fingerprint on my children in a way as a single man I never could have as a married man. It’s given me the freedom and the obligation to be a better father — the type of father I wanted as a child.
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Single fatherhood is a formidable undertaking. The deck is stacked and society is betting against us. Many men wonder if it would not be better to simply give up and walk away. Others are fearful they do not have what it takes. But my experience has led me to believe that single fatherhood is a precious opportunity, a chance to be something far better than before. The road will not be easy but the man who takes a leap of faith will find his children waiting for him half way, and together they can move into an entirely new direction — one of their own making. And when the days fall short and that father looks back over the journey he’ll be thankful for the chance and wonder how he ever considered taking another path.